I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
