My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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