How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
