sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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