Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
