i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
