one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
