dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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