it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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