dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
