Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
