His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
