don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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