How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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