I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
