I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
