I cannot find my penis.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
