I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
