If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
