I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
