i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize