Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
