Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
