I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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