is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
