yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
