we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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