Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
