I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
