Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
