You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
