she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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