and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i think my tv is drunk
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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