so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I would fuck him just for his dog
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