Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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