You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
