hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
