coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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