When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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