I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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