well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You ruined the universe
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
