so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
