My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
