Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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