drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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