What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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