I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
