im six kinds of drunk right now
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
