I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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