well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
