We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
