So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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