omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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