Need sex. Gaining weight.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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