new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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