You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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