i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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