this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize