Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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