dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
